From Then until Now: Pt. 1

 For any relatives seeing this continued work, do not judge me for being curious. I'm merely, dare I say bored, and this is a great opportunity to let out what I've been keeping with me my whole life.

Now, I know I don't really have anything to blog, so I suppose I can talk about my first day at school. (If I can still remember even the faintest details.

Hi. (Again). If you don't already know, or, might just mistake me for one of my other siblings, my name is Safiyyah. That is all I will say for anyone who isn't related to me.

 Kindergarten was so blurry. But you can't blame me, middle school has been for five years and already it's 2024! Haha. Oh, and I remind to anyone seeing this that despite the fact I am still eleven and a young girl who has a lot more vocabulary yet to discover: I DO NOT KEEP A DIARY. Honestly, it's very offensive.

Anyways, Brainy Bunch was too much of a faded memory for me so I will only talk of my middle school days. (Sorry to any of my old teachers from kindergarten).

Middle school. Around 2020 after I had graduated from Brainy Bunch (while being the child of the year in 2019, if I may mention with pride) and I had no idea what to do at this bigger school with newer and older people. I know I had always bragged about having lots of friends back then in kindergarten but JEEZ was it hard to even get a glance at someone in SK BUD(4). 

I remember my parents standing beside me as I begged them not to go away, not wanting them to leave me in such a crowded and big place. But they were only paying attention to the teachers and asking them what class I was supposed to line up at (if I recall as I whined).

They finally left and I was alone, confused and looking around with bewilderment of my new surroundings. The first time we had to stand up and sing the usual perhimpunan songs on Monday, I recognized the first two but was obviously confused with the third one.

Later on, we were ushered into class by some of the prefects and we had finally met our teachers.

“Selamat pagi, cikgu.” all the others said, but oh, with my oblivious knowledge of it all and being taught at an English kindergarten and not the prasekolah right next to the middle school that my parents sought me to go to, I had foolishly called the teacher AUNTIE. 

Yes, auntie was what we needed to call our teachers back then in kindergarten and I was so inexperienced that once I had blurted that out everyone looked at me with those judging looks and I probably looked like a tomato back then. After the teacher told me to call her ‘cikgu’ I had nodded in embarrassment and stayed quiet the whole time.

After that, we had been told to start colouring. Of course, I was unprepared and only had the littlest colours. But then, it was as if something clicked.

That was when I met my first ever friend which I used to bashfully admit she was my only friend. Ahilia. 

She looked over my shoulder and as far as I can remember, she had teased me for not having a lot of colours before noticing, “You have the same colours!” she pointed out the brand of our color pencils and indeed, they were the same.

I don't exactly know why we became so close just because of that, but yeah.

Beginning of a Wasted Talent

 Hi.

If anyone who has seen Shah Baharudin's work before, no, this is not him. I introduce myself and hope I don't disappoint any expecting people waiting for my dad's old work. Instead, I'll try to continue what he had lazily ended.

Struggle

This is me writing down my feelings right now. I have not done this in a while. I read my old posts and sigh , because they were significant. Makes me wonder why I stopped , why I did not pursue this formally or professionally.

I am stuck career wise. I just resigned from a job I hated but could definitely do. Just hated . I resigned without having a job to go to. I have been applying to more than 50 jobs since December last year and only had 2 calls to interviews and a couple of pre interviews

I made this decision with full of confidence , as I am now 34 , and feel that this is the time to get my career goals in line . Not just work for the sake of work , but need a specialty.

I have been around many industries and I can't get past the fact that advertising and marketing is the thing I want to be doing and be better at.

That means agency life again.

The thing is , I know my worth, and experience and knowledge I have accumulated over the years. I just cannot get recruiters to see that.

It's frustrating because your ego says you deserve a higher chance because of your education you acheived overseas . But that's just not the case. I see people from the same batch , same course who gets jobs in major companies.

I am not a lazy person I work hard at every job I get , get things done , and most of the time bosses appreciate that.

To be continued

Inches

Sometimes when I feel stressed and I think too much, I play a scenario in my head where I get up from bed, put on my running shoes and go out for a run.....the scenario ends in 10 seconds, because I get tired. How unfit I am, even in my mind I get tired after running for 10 seconds.

The days go by almost unnoticed. What we did a week ago seems only yesterday, and what we  want to do tomorrow is done. How short life is when that feeling of days going by so fast hits you and you feel that you have done so little to fill up those days, hours, minutes and seconds. Have we done all that we wanted to do in that week? Or have we again given in to procrastination, that mother of all viruses that plagues us. On the other hand, these fast going days have its advantages, for me and my wife, we are now safely (alhamdulillah) into our second trimester. 

The second time around, the nervous feeling was a different nervous, just because firstly, another glimpse of our baby, now a month older than the last time. Has the baby grown steadily, or even the worst fear, is it still moving?? Alhamdulillah, the baby is growing , and moving waving its arms cheerfully. A sense of relief takes over, as the doc calls me to see the monitor and could see a solid shape of the baby, and its arms going up and down towards its mouth...sucking its thumb maybe? All in all, its a great feeling altogether, and I feel humbled by the grace and greatness of Allah.

I don't know if its the impending parenthood, or being closer to my nephew and taking care of my new baby niece , but this morning, watching a video made me feel things I have never felt before. 

After fajar prayers, I got back into bed and scrolled through the fb timeline on my phone, and tapped on a video. The video was on the situation in Palestine. I have known for a few days on what was happening, but honestly I have never watched the kind of images that I was about to see. 

In general, it was not the goriest, or most violent, but I don't know, hearing the cries of the women, the sheer anarchy of the people after getting bombed or being in the vicinity of the bombed area, that struck a bad emotional chord inside of me. I started thinking, how would I react, and also, how amazingly lucky we are to be watching and not be there. I honestly would go crazy or dazed beyond comprehension if that happened to Malaysia, hearing bombs drop, the fear of the bomb dropping on you. How to live with those thoughts everyday?

Then came the part where they show the hospitals and the kids. Ya Allah, the kids. I was overcome with sadness and started shedding tears. Seeing these small children, being injured and shot. In a matter of seconds, I was sobbing, the worst was when this small girl, carrying I would assume her baby sister/brother, who was dead, and she was shouting and screaming for the baby to wake up. Oh Allah. 

After that clip, came another realization , of how useless I am to them. I am crying sympathizing for these brothers and sisters in Islam, but what have I done, or what am I to do? I pray for them, as that is the only immediate thing that I am capable of.

I wonder, what does the neutral think about this situation? How would a person not feel something is not right about what is happening? How can they still not see a guilty party? Put aside religion, can't they see humans are dying for nothing at all? 

Its a matter of inches everyday. Baby is growing few inches every week. Palestinians are dead or not dead within inches of the bomb being dropped. And we inch every week towards total inhumanity if we do not stop injustice in the world.