Struggle

This is me writing down my feelings right now. I have not done this in a while. I read my old posts and sigh , because they were significant. Makes me wonder why I stopped , why I did not pursue this formally or professionally.

I am stuck career wise. I just resigned from a job I hated but could definitely do. Just hated . I resigned without having a job to go to. I have been applying to more than 50 jobs since December last year and only had 2 calls to interviews and a couple of pre interviews

I made this decision with full of confidence , as I am now 34 , and feel that this is the time to get my career goals in line . Not just work for the sake of work , but need a specialty.

I have been around many industries and I can't get past the fact that advertising and marketing is the thing I want to be doing and be better at.

That means agency life again.

The thing is , I know my worth, and experience and knowledge I have accumulated over the years. I just cannot get recruiters to see that.

It's frustrating because your ego says you deserve a higher chance because of your education you acheived overseas . But that's just not the case. I see people from the same batch , same course who gets jobs in major companies.

I am not a lazy person I work hard at every job I get , get things done , and most of the time bosses appreciate that.

To be continued

Inches

Sometimes when I feel stressed and I think too much, I play a scenario in my head where I get up from bed, put on my running shoes and go out for a run.....the scenario ends in 10 seconds, because I get tired. How unfit I am, even in my mind I get tired after running for 10 seconds.

The days go by almost unnoticed. What we did a week ago seems only yesterday, and what we  want to do tomorrow is done. How short life is when that feeling of days going by so fast hits you and you feel that you have done so little to fill up those days, hours, minutes and seconds. Have we done all that we wanted to do in that week? Or have we again given in to procrastination, that mother of all viruses that plagues us. On the other hand, these fast going days have its advantages, for me and my wife, we are now safely (alhamdulillah) into our second trimester. 

The second time around, the nervous feeling was a different nervous, just because firstly, another glimpse of our baby, now a month older than the last time. Has the baby grown steadily, or even the worst fear, is it still moving?? Alhamdulillah, the baby is growing , and moving waving its arms cheerfully. A sense of relief takes over, as the doc calls me to see the monitor and could see a solid shape of the baby, and its arms going up and down towards its mouth...sucking its thumb maybe? All in all, its a great feeling altogether, and I feel humbled by the grace and greatness of Allah.

I don't know if its the impending parenthood, or being closer to my nephew and taking care of my new baby niece , but this morning, watching a video made me feel things I have never felt before. 

After fajar prayers, I got back into bed and scrolled through the fb timeline on my phone, and tapped on a video. The video was on the situation in Palestine. I have known for a few days on what was happening, but honestly I have never watched the kind of images that I was about to see. 

In general, it was not the goriest, or most violent, but I don't know, hearing the cries of the women, the sheer anarchy of the people after getting bombed or being in the vicinity of the bombed area, that struck a bad emotional chord inside of me. I started thinking, how would I react, and also, how amazingly lucky we are to be watching and not be there. I honestly would go crazy or dazed beyond comprehension if that happened to Malaysia, hearing bombs drop, the fear of the bomb dropping on you. How to live with those thoughts everyday?

Then came the part where they show the hospitals and the kids. Ya Allah, the kids. I was overcome with sadness and started shedding tears. Seeing these small children, being injured and shot. In a matter of seconds, I was sobbing, the worst was when this small girl, carrying I would assume her baby sister/brother, who was dead, and she was shouting and screaming for the baby to wake up. Oh Allah. 

After that clip, came another realization , of how useless I am to them. I am crying sympathizing for these brothers and sisters in Islam, but what have I done, or what am I to do? I pray for them, as that is the only immediate thing that I am capable of.

I wonder, what does the neutral think about this situation? How would a person not feel something is not right about what is happening? How can they still not see a guilty party? Put aside religion, can't they see humans are dying for nothing at all? 

Its a matter of inches everyday. Baby is growing few inches every week. Palestinians are dead or not dead within inches of the bomb being dropped. And we inch every week towards total inhumanity if we do not stop injustice in the world. 

Kobe Bryant, Rookie Card ..mint condition

It seems not too long ago, my hobby was to collect basketball trading cards, spent countless of my parents money on them, and I had a pretty good collection too. One of the most valuable was a mint condition Kobe Bryant rookie card. That card had quite value actually. After checking my monthly Beckett magazine, it was worth around 200 USD . Wow.

That story was actually not really true. I did collect the cards, but I never had the Kobe Bryant Rookie Card ...mint condition. Its just that I somehow I thought of my basketball card collection while I was in the waiting room, with my WIFE , both waiting to see the doctor for her first PRE-NATAL checkup. Oh my mind blasting. I am a husband, and a father to be. These things takes a while to sink in. The realization, and the impact it gives me when mind gets blasted always gets me pumped up to be a better man. 

So, mind already blasting, we get called in to the doc's office. She was an aged woman, tall, middle eastern looking and quite scary.headmistress scary. I went in there with a mind set to not sit back and be proactive and ask as many questions possible. So she asks my wife 

Doc : So why are you here ? Why do you need to see me?

Aslina: (looks at me puzzled , thinking the nurse would have told the doc our purpose) Errr...for    my first check-up

Doc : Oh ok, So what  was the date of your last period? 

Me: (Thinking the doc wanted to check if my wife was pregnant...because that was what the first doctor asked when we wanted confirmation ) Ermmm, doc we actually know she's pregnant , we're here for her first pre-natal...

Doc : I know that ... (buat muka cikgu disiplin).. I want to know the date so I can calculate myself.

Me : (Face shy .. and intimidated) Oh , my app says 9 weeks 5 days.

Doc : No ! No..I need the date...I want to calculate myself

Me: (Shuts Up)

Anyway, she warmed up in the end, and after getting the answer she wanted , calculated the same as my app. (she used an oldskool paper dial with numbers on it) 

So the wife gets on the observation table behind the curtain, and I think, ok, she's getting her tummy checked. But then the doc calls me , and I see the ultrasound scan machine, and there it was another Mind BLASTING moment, I see my baby in my baby's belly. It was so clear at first, I could see the arms swaying, feet up and a head shaped head on the screen. Felt emotions like none before, wanted to shed a tear of joy, but for once my macho gene stood firm. The printed picture wasn't that clear tho, but here it is.

Its really not clear, its the white blob above the bottom text. I thought it should be immortalized on the web, officially the first picture of many InsyaAllah.

So the journey starts, monthly checkups, zig zagging appetites (at the moment) and back aches. 

To anyone reading this, share a prayer for us. Pray for the safety of my wife Aslina, and the baby inside her, may they be safe in this wonderful journey that Allah has given us. Aminn

Rendering

This must be a norm for motion designers, file is rendering....estimated time to completion : 4 hours. That, or I was delusional thinking the laptop is powerful enough to handle heavy video editing. Another thing to consider upgrading for my dear FLOW

I have been wanting to write something for a while now. Thanks to the auto analysis of the blogspot engine, I can safely say that these posts wont even reach 2 or 3 pairs of eyes. Long gone are the days that I knew people were reading this blog, for one reason or another, partly due to a lack of interesting content, and also the lack of posts. Probably kicked off a few lists too. Heh. Even if that is the case, It gives me more freedom in the mind posting my thoughts, rather than just writing it on microsoft word. Probably it symbolizes that my thoughts would be sent into the universe and reach , even though no one reads it.

In a space of 2 weeks, I have given advice to 2 close friends on relationships. After the second person, I had a random thought that I could maybe be a psychiatrist or a school councilor. Hahaha. I feel I got through to my friends , and gave them sound and logical advice based on the almighty. It felt good as always. These weren't the first friends. I think I miss being the reliable friend in subang sometimes. Living outside of Subang Jaya has taken a toll on the amount of time I spend with my friends. When I do sit in, I felt the same feeling the first time I came back from NZ, sitting there not knowing and not willing to butt in. A brother called me out on that once , and his words are coming back to me these days. 

I think the stress and frustration of not playing any futsal/football/soccer is causing the nostalgia. That one or two hour futsal session and hot tea after with the boys are enough to keep me in the loop. This has been the longest I have gone without playing the beautiful game. 6 weeks if tonight is cancelled as well. I understand everyone has priorities these days, I have them too. Just want that one constant in a week. I have even tried reaching out to other groups for a taste of the sport, but even they cancel each week. Oh man... Only video games and BPL matches satisfy a humongous craving. In all actuality, like smaller drugs, it increases the hunger even more ! Dah tak tau main bola kot by now. 

The majority of us Kakibangkus are now happily married Alhamdulillah, The demographic has changed significantly this year, with no less than 6 that tied the knot. Last years unions have already shown dividends in the baby department, one delivered, one any day now, and 2 more are expecting early next year. I am humbled and privileged after so many years, our core friendships are still here, and continuing to the next generation. It is refreshing to see that our individual silent vows of staying friends are being kept. InsyaAllah.

Dangg, this actually worked. Feeling much much better. My brain is probably too small, need to unload to have full optimization.